Joining the TikTok Hype and Defying Society

 

Photo by Alexander Shatov on Unsplash

I didn't see it coming. It just snuck up on me. I've been struggling to focus on my own creative endeavors when I was struck with motivation and inspiration by one of dannyphantom.exe's TikTok videos on Dark Hawk. I've been following Danny for the last month or so. Watching and listening to all of his content is helping me to shift my perspective about body image, especially my own. It's also helping me with how much I care about other people's opinions regarding trivial things. 

After doing my own tarot reading and having recently seeing a video by Location Rebel about freelancer writers producing content on TikTok, I had no qualms about returning to video creation, much to my surprise. (I say "return" because once high school finished, it was good riddance to obligatory video assignments since I pursued writing and other art forms.)

Creating my First TikTok Video

The soundbite used in Danny's Dark Hawk video is a from the song "Beautiful is Boring" by Bones UK. The lyrics and beat spoke to me because it has power behind it without being overwhelming. Several lines stood out to me.

Identity

The song as a whole spoke to me because it reminded me of my rejection by a university I applied to. I elaborated on my tale of rejection a while ago, but essentially, I was rejected from the Creative Writing program and I internalized it, thinking my portfolio had not been strong enough and therefore, I couldn't write. I believed in this so much that I believed that I couldn't write, couldn't fulfill my dream of being a novelist and writer. I didn't have a future. After a few months, I connected several pieces together and had an epiphany about my character and identity and was back on the writing path. The lines "They said they did not want my face in their magazine/'Cause I'm not beautiful" was a strong reminder of my experience.

Throughout high school, I always felt as though I was a freak that didn't fit in. No one had the same interests as me, and the one person who did eventually became so popular that our friendship dissolved. Growing up, I was almost always the lone wolf where I even went to great lengths to avoid social interactions because of social anxiety and/or believing it was inevitable that they would not like me or want me. I always connect to themes that embody the Monster, "the most fucking fantastic freak/ You've ever seen."  With this identifier in my mind, I accepted it over time, carrying it with me into college where I decided to embrace being outside of what my parents expected and what society deems conventional. I came to side with defiant characters in stories and take that stance, whether in reality or at least, in my mind.

For over a decade, I was told by many and saw in shows and movies that writing was not a good career choice and frowned upon because it led to poverty. I pursued it because it gives me passion and it's the only thing I can do well. I didn't have a choice. So the line "Teaching children to be anything/Other than who they are" makes me mad because it's what society and some parents do. And it makes me want to bare my teeth in defiance. 

Even before I started following Danny, whose Youtube and Twitch outro consists of telling his viewers to do one good thing each day to make the world better, I've wanted to help writers, artists, all content creators, so they NEVER have to lose themselves as I did. Or worse. 

Beauty

This song can be interpreted as encouraging us to stop striving for perfection since it's boring. Beauty is subjective and there are different types of beauty. 

Since joining the ASMR community, I've seen and heard about people's fears and vulnerabilities. It's a community that mostly focuses on welcoming and accepting people who have stress and a wide variety of health issues. ASMR brings together people of all nationalities and sexualities from around the world. 

A major topic among the ASMRists and their viewers is body image, specifically how so many people hate how their body looks. It's been on my mind for a while, but recently, it has become a recurring topic and I needed to address it because I have struggled with it all of my life and continue to do so. 

But I have come to hate that I hate my body.

There were a few things that culminated to create the tipping point. As mentioned above, I started watching Danny's content on TikTok, Youtube, and Twitch. His TikToks involve his cosplays and general goofing around portrayed through a humorous and/or sexual ambience. His Youtube channel has a mix of cooking, ASMR and fanfiction reading. On Twitch, he streams his gameplays and chats with his followers.

In watching his content, Danny has said on various occasions that he hates his body and works hard to improve it. In the rare videos where his physique is seen, there appears to be nothing wrong with it. In fact, quite the opposite. (Note: I am going based on appearances here and old videos)

But it reminded me of a quote from the computer game Nancy Drew: Danger by Design. The fashion reporter, Jean-Michel Traquenard says, "Some woman with noses that would put birds of prey to shame are perfectly content with their appearance, while others with acceptable features are convinced they are more hideous than [Frankenstein's monster]." (41:16-41:29, "2020 Mega Marathon")

It seems to me that people are so nuts about perfection and meeting society's standards that people, like me, like Danny, etc. develop a hate for their body, and even when perfection has been achieved in a healthy way, the hate is so engrained that we cannot gain any satisfaction and remove the hate. Ever.

Self-Portrait

Self-Portrait

I Joined a Fitness Program

This past summer, I joined V Shred, one of several fitness programs that provides workouts and dieting in a new way. It's one of those systems that embraces 20 minute intensive workouts as opposed to hours of exercising with no pay-off. I didn't tell anyone that I joined because I wanted to see results and if I'd continue for the allotted 90 days.   

I saw results in the first few weeks and continued to lose weight, but I quickly discovered that the change in diet, though not extreme by any means, became a hinderance rather than a help. I was confined to a meal plan with constant measuring on my part to ensure that I ate the right amount to lose weight while still being healthy. It was always on my mind that I had to measure everything and soon, I was just angry all the time because I didn't like the cage I'd put myself in. And I didn't enjoy the weekly check-ins and the daily logging of my weight, as well as logging food and water intake. There was also a weekly logging of my measurements. 

I was seeing results, but I was not happy. And when I went off the menu I was given and all my numbers went back up temporarily, I felt guilty and was obliged to explain to my program coach (who was reviewing the numbers I sent them) about what I had done and I hated that even more. From then on, I ended it. It had only been three weeks. 

I reflected on the experience and questioned why I wanted to lose weight. I had an event coming up and wanted to fit into the clothes, but then I realized that it was also because I had been carrying this hate for my "extra" weight because I had been taught to hate it. I was told that I was overweight as a child, as a teen, and society (and people) never stops doing it. It was then that I decided to work on changing my perspective and lean into my defiant side. No more hating myself, whether it's my body, my face, or my voice. This is what I have, it's mine and mine alone, and I'm going to take care of it. No more. No more. 

 Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains. - Rousseau, The Social Contract

 And so, I am now using videos to not only promote my freelance writing services, but to also improve my perspective on my body image and my voice. Here is the first TikTok video of (hopefully) many: